


Kou Not Gou

by thisaccountisdone



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, Trans Female Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 19:20:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/890920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisaccountisdone/pseuds/thisaccountisdone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone prompted mtf!Kou. There's not really a plot or anything; just a ficlet of Nagisa refusing to call her Kou and some introspection. Also, a conversation with Ama-chan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kou Not Gou

**Author's Note:**

> "So who else thought this when she insisted on being called "Kou" and said that it is a pretty big deal...... Anything with Kou as a trans* girl, and maybe the swim club/her best friend/Ama-chan finding out and being nice and supportive, please?"
> 
> someone on the free! kinkmeme asked for mtf!gou. (or kou in this case!) i wanted to write something happy since trans fic tends to be so depressing. it's like 4am and i'm exhausted as hell so forgive any mistakes. this was gonna be longer but- once again- exhausted as hell. i sort of regret not adding more to ama knowing kou is trans but i also didn't want her to make it a big deal. i feel like- canonically- it wouldn't be something she'd do, anyways.
> 
> also i totally didn't do a lot of honorifics because i was too lazy to figure out what gou uses for everyone. i hope this fic is good despite my laziness/exhaustion.

"It's _Kou_ not Gou," Kou growled out through gritted teeth. She tried to control her anger but her hands were balled into fists. The words- no matter how much she repeated them- just did not seem to get through Nagisa's thick skull. She used to shake when she heard that name and her eyes would slowly fill with tears. Now, she only gets angry.

"Why not? That's your name isn't it?" Nagisa prodded, wide brown eyes searing into her skin. Kou gnawed at the inside of her mouth so she wouldn't scream. Damn her parents for giving her brother the girly name and her the masculine one. Damn them for having her at all. (But she was trying to get out of thinking like that. She felt better about herself and her body now. Her family respected her, too, and didn't slip up anymore.)

Nagisa seemed like someone who would understand but she couldn't chance it. When she started presenting as female at her old school, she had been harassed so much that her parents pulled her out. She remembered sobbing for hours as she stared at herself in the mirror, clutching her knees. She'd scream and beat her fists against her father's chest until he grabbed her wrists and pulled her in. He'd hold her in his arms until her sobs became hiccups and then those hiccups stopped altogether.

Sometimes she was envious of those people who had known they were trans since they were little. They could say they'd known forever and their family would insist the same. But Kou wasn't like that; Kou hadn't realized until she was 13. They had those stupid fucking classes on puberty and she hated them. She hated being told about how her body would grow and change but she didn't know why.

It annoyed her to no end. The more she heard, the more unbearable it became. She had never really thought about her body before but now she was being forced to think about it. Her body felt wrong. But it wasn't just her body; everything else felt wrong. The floodgates had been opened and the things she never noticed before came pouring in.

She asked about it in class one day; asked if there were people who felt like their bodies were wrong. The teacher cocked her head to the side and explained transsexuality (god, she hated that word). When Kou looked it up, it was like all the air had been knocked from her body.

She'd come so far since then and she wouldn't allow herself to slip back. "I don't like Gou," Kou told Nagisa simply. Explaining that was getting old and there were still people who called her Gou. It wasn't her fault that she was too damn adorable to take seriously, though. That was definitely a curse.

"But your name-"

Kou cut Nagisa off. "I've told you like a million times already- _my name is Kou_. Do I need to tattoo it on my forehead?"

"It might be kind of cute..." Nagisa trailed off and squinted at her forehead. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Dealing with Nagisa was always difficult; she didn't know how Makoto did it, especially with Haruka in the mix. Maybe he had some magic power or something.

"You're an idiot."

He opened his mouth to reply but she turned and walked away before he could say anything. The rest of the school day was a blur. She couldn't keep her mind from running back to Nagisa. Most people who still called her Gou didn't talk to her much. Being the manager of the swim club, Gou spent a lot of time with Nagisa. Sure, he was in her classes but that didn't mean she had to _talk_ to him.

At the end of the class, she pushed her head into her book. She didn't have the energy to move just yet and her last class was with Ama-chan so she didn't really need to. "Kou, are you alright?" Ama-chan asked. She came to stand next to Kou and placed a hand on her should. Kou looked up wearily at the face mere inches from hers.

"Tired."

"Tired?" Ama-chan repeated, eyebrows furrowing.

Kou lifted her head up higher. "Tired of all of this," she said as she swept her hand around her head. "Being me." The last part was quieter; it wasn't something she normally said out loud. She buried her head back in the book.

"I like you."

"Sometimes I like me, too," Kou told her, "and sometimes I don't."

"Everyone has times when they like themselves and times when they don't. Especially when they're young."

Kou sighed. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes but she tried not to let them spill. "It's not that... It's just. I shouldn't feel so bad when people call me Gou but I do. I know that's my name but-"

"Do you think of it as your name?"

"No..."

"Then it's not your name." Ama-chan smiled brightly at her. Kou couldn't help but smile back. Ama-chan made it seem so easy; she wondered what it was like being in that head. Was she always this happy?

"Thank you," Kou sniffled. She wiped away a few stray tears. Even the strongest people need to be picked up every once in awhile and she was no exception. It was good that the school had teachers like Ama-chan who genuinely cared about their students.

"It's your choice but I think you should tell the boys why you don't want to be called Gou," Ama-chan said suddenly, breaking Kou out of her introspection.

Kou cocked her head to the side. "You know?"

Ama-chan smiled at her. "Teachers know more than you think. That's why we're teachers."

"I don't think that's right..."

"Well, we can talk about that later but right now, we have swim club duties to take care of. Those boys would destroy everything without us."

Kou laughed. She picked up her books and stuffed them in her bag. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. Maybe she would tell them; she trusted them more than she ever thought she would have. Either way, they really did need her. They were completely hopeless and Mako could only do so much.


End file.
